Fragile

I’ve tried to live a good life. An honest life. I’ve always tried to be a good example for everyone around me, which is very, very hard. But, it used to be a lot harder because I was trying to be a good example for all the wrong reasons. I was following a path that was bound to lead me right off a cliff. I just didn’t know when.

When you work as hard as I did, first you find yourself yielding for others, just to keep things smooth – not to rock the boat. It doesn’t feel like it’s a burden because what you are doing doesn’t seem like it’s a big sacrifice. It’s just bending and dodging to keep everyone happy. It almost feels natural, if you have a high tolerance for demands being placed on you. But, after a while you realize that the gears are starting to grind and it’s not that easy to keep it up. It weighs on you and starts to change everything that you knew to be real.

You read earlier that I grew up in a goofy household. It’s true. But we were also experts at smoothing things over and pretending things were OK. We didn’t allow the ghosts to come out of the closet and wreck the image that we were trying so hard to maintain. See, I’m the oldest of five kids. Actually, I should say that I’m the oldest son, William Channing Swan, Jr. I was the mainstay of my generation, and became my dad’s right hand man when it came to the complex cover-up.

There’s no sense in pointing fingers, but worth it to say that the list of maladies is long, involving every member of my family to one degree or another. All of the impairments were emotional, which required particular skill to hide. But, we were exceptionally good. Being that good a cover-up artist became a badge of honor I wore proudly well into my adulthood. I was strong and I didn’t falter. I always held it together, or so I thought.

The spring before I turned 30, I got married to someone who was also an expert. Her skill was concealing alcoholism in her family and an emotionally distant father and mother. Still, she grew up chipper and upbeat. She’s still that way today. Her talent at being a cover-up artist far exceeded mine because she not only did the job well; she smiled and laughed her way through all of it! It was astounding.

Our marriage lasted for 17 years before the door that shut out all the pain and dysfunction started to come off its hinges. I made the first move to separate and the anger that she held inside of her burst all over everyone she came in contact with, including my three sons. I became the hated one, something that I had fought not to have happen all my life. Not only was I hated by her, I was held in distain by her friends, some of my friends, some of my own family, and my children.

I’ll never forget her telling them that “Daddy left us”. It has taken me years to rebuild my relationship with my sons. Even though I have been with them every week, every month and every year, there is still a hole in my relationships with them. Sometimes I don’t know what to do, other than keep on being there and keep on trying.

But, you know me now. I am happier than I ever thought possible. My wife and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary last week and I am a different person. She breathed new life into me. I know that God put her in front me and healed me through her. I could never have known that through such deep sadness could bloom such a deep love.

I wish that I could tell you that life is fragile, so watch out and be careful. I thought that I was careful. I thought that I had ever angle covered. What I realized is that life is really about being honest, not careful. Honesty is the mortar for the foundation that we stand on. Sometimes honesty causes conflict, but it’s better than the magnitude of the damage that is done when a life of hiding things blows up. It takes much longer to rebuild, with a lot more pain and a lot more heartache.

So don’t wait. If someone or something is bothering you, let them know. If you are filled with a boundless love, let them know. God willing, you will always step on solid ground and your spirit will soar!