Emotional Layers - Peeling the Onion

Sometimes I can't figure my way out of something - a thought, a bad mood, a distracted mind. Just when I want to shake it and concentrate, I can't seem to push through whatever is bothering me. You see, I had always thought that shaking and pushing were the only ways out of a thought that I didn't want to have. After trying each approach what seemed like a hundred or so times, I decided that there had to be a better way.

I arrived at a pretty good solution a short while ago. It might work for you too. At least it's worth a try. Instead of trying to push through a state of mind, try dealing with it "face-to-face."

I think of it as peeling an onion, or shucking corn - whatever visual works best for you. You start by realizing that stepping away from a negative thought doesn't really work, especially if it's a recurring thought. You really need to try stepping into it, but you do it in layers. That way you can follow the trail of negative thinking step-by-step to the root cause and deal with the root after you have dealt with everything springing from it.

A great way identify each layer is to force yourself to think about what lead you to the negative thought that you are having now. Not the original basis of the thought, just the immediate event that caused the thought that you have now. Form that image in your mind. I'll give you an example: "I'm angry at my boss." That's the burning emotion that is keeping you up at night. Now, let's start dealing with it layer by layer. Make sure that each layer is the thing that happened last, and then move in from there. Come to grips with each layer as you go.

"I'm angry at my boss." What exactly made you angry? How can you work your way through the layers?

• My boss didn't review the project that I did when I needed her to, and now it's late!
• I had to explain to the department that needed it that it was going to be late, and they adjusted their schedule
• This isn't the first time that this has happened. I can't count on my boss to do what I ask her to do on time.
• My boss said that her travel schedule made it hard for her to get to my project, so she couldn't review it on time. She said that all of her travel makes it hard to get other things done
• My boss has these trips come up and I can never predict when she will be around.
• I know that my boss means well, and when she is in the office, she is able to review my work on time. It seems she doesn't have control over her schedule.
• I wish that my boss would use the online company calendar to show when she's in the office, or when she's traveling.
• My boss said that she keeps her own detailed calendar that has a rolling record of what she is doing for the next 2 months. But, she said that she doesn't know how to use the company calendar
• If I could show my boss how to use the online company calendar, then maybe I'd be able to work around her travel schedule when I ask her to review projects that I have done.

This shows an example of following a path to the source of your present anger or frustration. You see how you can travel the emotional trail from "I'm angry at my boss" to a solution of how you can work around her travel schedule to get what you need from her.

Another illustration here is how you can go from an assumption that the person you are dealing with is at fault, to a workable solution that you both can participate in.

Give this process a try and tell me how it goes. I'm not going to say that it's easy or that it can happen quickly, but if you can address each emotion and its cause, you can put a "check" next to it and move on. Good luck!