Flat as a Pancake

Today's one of those days that I just can't get it together. You know me. I try to keep my sights up and on the horizon, but sometimes life just catches up to me. I've had a winter cold for most of the winter, and I guess that I'm just kind-of wrung out.

There are times that I just wish that I could take a vacation from myself. You know, go off and do something and just leave my life behind for a while. I could teleport myself to a distant land and drift freely through Eden-like gardens and shimmering seas and not have a care in the world, because all of my cares have been left behind in this war-torn brain and body.

But then I know that tomorrow's another day for me, and for all of us. Who knows what interesting things wait there? To start, it's Friday - the beginning of an uncluttered weekend when we can putter around and clean our house from the remnants of Christmas. I get to hang out with my son Peter tonight (my Christmas Angel) and have what should be a relaxing dinner. I have an appointment with my chiropractor this afternoon. I should feel clearer after that. He does miracles.

I know that I'll get beyond this down place. When I was taking yoga classes, a trick that my instructor taught me is to focus on my breathing and look for where the pain or sadness is in my body. Once I've found it, I can actually "breathe it out of me". Now if I'm in a bad place, I'll focus on what bothers me the most, close my eyes and take 3 or 4 deep breaths while "looking" at the thing that is bothering me.

Pretty soon I've melted it away.

Huh, I feel a little better. Not so heavy. Not so stuck. I guess the little joys in my life are actually the big things that matter the most.

Uncomfortable

I'm a pretty big fan of Christian rock. No surprise, right? Anyway, tonight I was listening to Brandon Heath, a top artist on the charts talk about a time when he visited India and had some stomach issues. When he was getting better, but still not feeling great, he said that he wrote some of the best music that he's written.

That really got me to thinking. When have I been the most creative? It's usually when I'm tired, or upset about something. There are times when my thoughts start flowing when I am on top of my game, but I want to say that is in the minority.

It's a pretty odd thing, don't you think? Why would we tend to be more creative when we aren't feeling quite right? Maybe it's because we are more inwardly focused when there's something wrong. We are not as aware of what is going on outside of us and are happier focusing inward in hopes of relieving the pain. And as we help ourselves get through it, we tap into an energy that we didn't think we had.

Now, I'm not hoping that I am uncomfortable any more than necessary. But, when I am, I'll think of it as an opportunity. Kind of crazy the way it works.

Fragile

I’ve tried to live a good life. An honest life. I’ve always tried to be a good example for everyone around me, which is very, very hard. But, it used to be a lot harder because I was trying to be a good example for all the wrong reasons. I was following a path that was bound to lead me right off a cliff. I just didn’t know when.

When you work as hard as I did, first you find yourself yielding for others, just to keep things smooth – not to rock the boat. It doesn’t feel like it’s a burden because what you are doing doesn’t seem like it’s a big sacrifice. It’s just bending and dodging to keep everyone happy. It almost feels natural, if you have a high tolerance for demands being placed on you. But, after a while you realize that the gears are starting to grind and it’s not that easy to keep it up. It weighs on you and starts to change everything that you knew to be real.

You read earlier that I grew up in a goofy household. It’s true. But we were also experts at smoothing things over and pretending things were OK. We didn’t allow the ghosts to come out of the closet and wreck the image that we were trying so hard to maintain. See, I’m the oldest of five kids. Actually, I should say that I’m the oldest son, William Channing Swan, Jr. I was the mainstay of my generation, and became my dad’s right hand man when it came to the complex cover-up.

There’s no sense in pointing fingers, but worth it to say that the list of maladies is long, involving every member of my family to one degree or another. All of the impairments were emotional, which required particular skill to hide. But, we were exceptionally good. Being that good a cover-up artist became a badge of honor I wore proudly well into my adulthood. I was strong and I didn’t falter. I always held it together, or so I thought.

The spring before I turned 30, I got married to someone who was also an expert. Her skill was concealing alcoholism in her family and an emotionally distant father and mother. Still, she grew up chipper and upbeat. She’s still that way today. Her talent at being a cover-up artist far exceeded mine because she not only did the job well; she smiled and laughed her way through all of it! It was astounding.

Our marriage lasted for 17 years before the door that shut out all the pain and dysfunction started to come off its hinges. I made the first move to separate and the anger that she held inside of her burst all over everyone she came in contact with, including my three sons. I became the hated one, something that I had fought not to have happen all my life. Not only was I hated by her, I was held in distain by her friends, some of my friends, some of my own family, and my children.

I’ll never forget her telling them that “Daddy left us”. It has taken me years to rebuild my relationship with my sons. Even though I have been with them every week, every month and every year, there is still a hole in my relationships with them. Sometimes I don’t know what to do, other than keep on being there and keep on trying.

But, you know me now. I am happier than I ever thought possible. My wife and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary last week and I am a different person. She breathed new life into me. I know that God put her in front me and healed me through her. I could never have known that through such deep sadness could bloom such a deep love.

I wish that I could tell you that life is fragile, so watch out and be careful. I thought that I was careful. I thought that I had ever angle covered. What I realized is that life is really about being honest, not careful. Honesty is the mortar for the foundation that we stand on. Sometimes honesty causes conflict, but it’s better than the magnitude of the damage that is done when a life of hiding things blows up. It takes much longer to rebuild, with a lot more pain and a lot more heartache.

So don’t wait. If someone or something is bothering you, let them know. If you are filled with a boundless love, let them know. God willing, you will always step on solid ground and your spirit will soar!

Being Goofy

I grew up in a goofy family. We all did silly things like laughing so hard that we'd cough, dancing in the middle of the kitchen, telling jokes at the Thanksgiving table, standard things like that. There are seven of us, my parents and five kids, so things could get out of control pretty quickly. All that my dad could do was sit back and giggle.

We'd tell my father that it was all his fault because he fathered us all. But, really is was my mom's family that was the carrier of the goofy gene. and we all got it in spades! It started with my grandfather, Pops. We used to all meet at my grandparents house on Christmas Day and my grandfather used to do the funniest things and loved to laugh at himself. He'd laugh so hard that no sound came out of his mouth and all it was was a convulsed, silent smile.

My mom, a goofy gene carrier, has always loved pets. When we were growing up there was a vast assortment of "pets" at our house. At one time we had two dogs, a cat, a dozen chickens, two horses, raccoons and a goat. My dad, not a goofy gene carrier, would just shrug his shoulders and smile. But, I think that coming home and finding the goat standing on the kitchen table pushed him over the edge!

You have to ask yourself now that we are all grown up, "am I still goofy enough?" In other words, have I lost the wonderment of letting myself let loose and having fun? Allowing ourselves to play and laugh opens up some of the curiosity that we had when we were children. Looking at something and laughing out loud. Having a tickle fight with your husband, wife or partner in public. Dancing around wherever you want to.

I'll bet that if you let your guard down from time to time, it would open up a whole new world to explore, just like when you were young. Wouldn't that be great? Imagine what you could see! So, let the world see you staring at a flower and thinking how beautiful it is. Goofy is good!

Busy, Busy, Busy!

I only have a few minutes to write this post. You see, I'm in the middle of a big project right now that is demanding all of my time and I can spend much time away from it.

Does my situation sound familiar to you? Well, I found a quick fix that you might like.

I was driving home last night and I found myself using some very easy and effective relaxation techniques that work really well when you are up against a deadline and are getting stressed about it. The interesting part of it is that sometimes you don't realize you are stressed out until you get a headache, or your neck hurts, sometimes even your hands can start hurting is you are a person that clenches their hands.

I wrote an entry at the end of last month called "Paying Attention". In it I talked about going to your breath to find calm. If you think about your breath when you are in the middle of a stressful situation, you're apt to find that you are breathing shallow or halted breaths. Just this alone can make a stressful situation worse. Try the process that I describe below. You can do it anywhere - at a desk, while you're driving, walking, washing dishes. Anything.

Breathe through your nose for 15 seconds and focus on your breath. With your mouth closed, separate your top and bottom teeth and let your bottom jaw drop open. You'll find that this automatically opens your nasal passages more. You will take three deep breaths using some visualization techniques. Imagine that the air that you take in is cool and rich with oxygen. Think of it as a precious resource that you want to savor.

First, breathe the air deep into your abdomen, and then into your lungs until you can't breathe any deeper. Don't hold your breath. Let the air out through your mouth and imagine that this air is carrying a mist of stress out of your body and away from you. Repeat this twice to total three breaths.

In the thick of a pressured situation, this quick practice can help you to relax and get a fresh perspective.

Now, back to work!

Surprise!

Do you like to be surprised? Is a surprise something that you think is thrilling, or something that is unexpected, out of no where, and something that throws you for a loop?

I talked to my mother in New Hampshire yesterday and she told me that they got 22 inches of snow over the weekend - in October! She was telling me how it was kind of fun to have something so unexpected happen. Both of my parents are in their 80's, and you wouldn't think that a pile of snow would be fun! When I was watching the news here in the Boston area about people clearing their driveways of 4 inches of snow, you would have thought that their world was coming to an end.

My parents both taught me a long time ago that life will always have surprises - good and bad. As a family we lived though many ups and downs together, but now these many years later we can look back on it and be thankful. I can be thankful because I know that all those ups and downs were a gift that was given to me, to all of us, to prepare us for lives that will never be without surprises.

Too often we try to homogenize our lives and make them as predicable as possible. We have calendars and iPhones to keep us scheduled and on track. We fill up our days with commitments and responsibilities that carry us on a path that never curves, with nothing to trip on or step over.

If God meant us to be so boring and linear, then why did He put so many wonderful distractions around us? The changing of the seasons. The snow storms in the middle of the fall. The stars in the sky. All there to keep us in this world as a part of our surroundings and a part of each other.

So, when you are surprised and shocked out of where you are and what you are doing, take it all in. Look around and see what's there and understand how much joy can be right in front of you that you wouldn't have seen without being shaken out of your inner world. Be thankful for those unplanned events in your life. They are all there to make your life more meaningful and to bring you closer to what's around you.

Surprise! What did you see?