Emotional Layers - Peeling the Onion

Sometimes I can't figure my way out of something - a thought, a bad mood, a distracted mind. Just when I want to shake it and concentrate, I can't seem to push through whatever is bothering me. You see, I had always thought that shaking and pushing were the only ways out of a thought that I didn't want to have. After trying each approach what seemed like a hundred or so times, I decided that there had to be a better way.

I arrived at a pretty good solution a short while ago. It might work for you too. At least it's worth a try. Instead of trying to push through a state of mind, try dealing with it "face-to-face."

I think of it as peeling an onion, or shucking corn - whatever visual works best for you. You start by realizing that stepping away from a negative thought doesn't really work, especially if it's a recurring thought. You really need to try stepping into it, but you do it in layers. That way you can follow the trail of negative thinking step-by-step to the root cause and deal with the root after you have dealt with everything springing from it.

A great way identify each layer is to force yourself to think about what lead you to the negative thought that you are having now. Not the original basis of the thought, just the immediate event that caused the thought that you have now. Form that image in your mind. I'll give you an example: "I'm angry at my boss." That's the burning emotion that is keeping you up at night. Now, let's start dealing with it layer by layer. Make sure that each layer is the thing that happened last, and then move in from there. Come to grips with each layer as you go.

"I'm angry at my boss." What exactly made you angry? How can you work your way through the layers?

• My boss didn't review the project that I did when I needed her to, and now it's late!
• I had to explain to the department that needed it that it was going to be late, and they adjusted their schedule
• This isn't the first time that this has happened. I can't count on my boss to do what I ask her to do on time.
• My boss said that her travel schedule made it hard for her to get to my project, so she couldn't review it on time. She said that all of her travel makes it hard to get other things done
• My boss has these trips come up and I can never predict when she will be around.
• I know that my boss means well, and when she is in the office, she is able to review my work on time. It seems she doesn't have control over her schedule.
• I wish that my boss would use the online company calendar to show when she's in the office, or when she's traveling.
• My boss said that she keeps her own detailed calendar that has a rolling record of what she is doing for the next 2 months. But, she said that she doesn't know how to use the company calendar
• If I could show my boss how to use the online company calendar, then maybe I'd be able to work around her travel schedule when I ask her to review projects that I have done.

This shows an example of following a path to the source of your present anger or frustration. You see how you can travel the emotional trail from "I'm angry at my boss" to a solution of how you can work around her travel schedule to get what you need from her.

Another illustration here is how you can go from an assumption that the person you are dealing with is at fault, to a workable solution that you both can participate in.

Give this process a try and tell me how it goes. I'm not going to say that it's easy or that it can happen quickly, but if you can address each emotion and its cause, you can put a "check" next to it and move on. Good luck!

Believe in Yourself

"Believe in yourself" is a pretty common statement of encouragement. When you're feeling down or uncertain of a challenge in front of you, these words can often be heard from a friend or maybe a parent. When you think of the times that you have needed a boost, hearing this statement is a great way to get yourself to reach deep down inside and find the energy you need to go that extra step, or climb to heights that you didn't believe you could.

But, what is it that causes us to doubt ourselves at all? I mean, haven't you known yourself all your life? You've seen the heights that you know you can reach, yet doubt still seeps into your mind, no matter how talented or experienced you are. You think that this is something that you will grow out of or can overcome with practice, but no matter your expertise, the self-doubt still looms. I'm just about 58 and have learned a lot over my years, but I still find myself laced with uncertainty, beating myself up over one thing or another. Why? Especially when I know that it's something that I can get myself through because I've done it many times before!

I've found that it's often not so much me, but where I am and who is with me that determines how I'll respond to one challenge or another. Even if I know that I'm fully capable of getting something done, I will question my ability depending on who is there to support me or who I'm doing this thing for. I'll turn on myself and distrust my own abilities to accomplish what I have proven I can do time and time again.

It really is amazing how important other people are to our own self-worth, isn't it? They are like mirrors to ourselves that can shine light or cast darkness.  I suppose that I could say that there was something that happened in my childhood that lead me to this behavior as an adult, but I am an adult! I've moved past those uncertain times and have carried myself through my life making my own decisions and proving my own value, right?  I should be able to be bullet proof to the expectations of others, but no matter how I try, it doesn’t work. It shows that the ties between us all can’t be denied. We can pull and tug on these connections, and try to stretch them as far as possible, but we are all linked (to read an interesting article on these “cords”, go to the website HERE).

So, what can we do about this web of connections that we live in, and the emotional and physical impact that they can have on us? I see three options: 1) honor them, 2) repair them, or 3) sever them.

 When you honor the connection, you own everything about it. You agree with the form that the energy has and any benefit or detriment it has on each person, and you accept the direction the relationship takes. But if you feel that the tie you have to another person isn’t healthy, or is outdated, yet it is valuable to you, you can only repair it by being open and honest with the other person about how you feel. The healing of the bond that you have will only come from the work that you both do to make it right.

 If you find yourself in a place where the energetic bond that you have with another person is doing you harm and has poisoned your perception of yourself or the other person, no matter how you have tried to fix it, true healing can only come from cutting the connection and going your separate ways.

We all have a light that we are meant to bring to this world. But, it’s a world that we share with others we are emotionally and energetically bound to. Believing in yourself is really believing in your place in this web of connections and the value that you bring to all, not just yourself. You’ll know that you are being called to represent the ties you have to others through the encouragement and direction you receive from them. So, the next time that someone says to “believe in yourself” you can know that you aren’t just being told. You are being asked.

The Vital Importance of Good Work

Too often we find ourselves "trapped" in a job, or even in a career. What a horrible feeling to dislike what we are doing day after day, but many of us allow ourselves to continue in these environments for years. What is it in us that creates this feeling that we have no option but to suffer in our professional lives? It is a far cry from the graduation speeches that we all heard, where we were told that the world of work was there for the taking, and all we needed to do is to use what we have learn to capitalize on any opportunity we wish.

I think that life catches up to us. When I say "life", I mean the variety of responsibilities and commitments that can make us woody and inflexible. Our children, mortgages, parents, cars, vacations, and schedules can turn us into robots that move from one thing to the next, all of them involving a need for money. But you have to ask the question - is this what I planned for years ago? Am I fulfilling the wish of the good life? Also, take a close look at the list that I wrote above. Virtually everything that I said are things that we looked forward to at one point in time!

The other part of the good life is gains in physical and mental well-being. While being woody and inflexible is a pattern of behaviors, it is also a way of being. If we allow ourselves to let the years tick by as we stand tied up in our lives, our bodies and brains become physically inflexible. Our hearts push harder against clogged arteries, our tired and under-developed muscles work to move our bloated bodies around. Our minds become a jumble of disconnected thoughts driven by the numbing sameness of our daily lives.

Now there's a pretty picture of the "good life", right? My Goodness no!

I am finding now in my "in-between jobs" state that there is plenty of good work out there, and lots of good people doing it. They have joy in their lives. They look forward to Mondays when they can be presented with new challenges that stimulate their senses and create a purpose in their professional lives. But, good work also creates increased satisfaction in their personal lives as well. They bring home the confidence of a job well done. They are respected for what they do, so they respect their lives outside of work. They love their partners and children better. They don't worry about their financial commitments because they feel confident that their professional talents will take them far, and produce gains in income.

So many people that have suffered real pain in losing their jobs during the recession are rediscovering their love of work. They have changed direction and are doing something that they have always wanted to do. Many have started their own companies. They are forging new pathways that may limit them financially in the short-term, but have high potential for paying off as time goes on.

But, you don't have to lose your job to re-create your professional self. Today I encourage you to remember the hopes that you had long ago, then turn those hopes into action. No one needs to suffer doing bad work. Create a way for yourself. Talk to people you know. Use LinkedIn and other social media to connect with people who have the same passion and goals that you do. Don't be shy about being forthright in your interest to improve yourself. It increases the chances that you will find something that inspires you.

Commit to doing this a lot. You will be amazed at the new world that opens up to you!