It's a Process

My youngest son Peter has played in a drum corps for several years now. He is in college now, but when he was home, I'd have to make sure that he was awake in time to get to practice. Every morning was pretty much the same. I would wake him up earlier than I really had to, knowing that he would fall back asleep, and I'd have to walk back upstairs to wake him up again.One morning on the third attempt to get him out of bed, he stretched and said to me, "it's a process".

I think back on that morning most times I hear someone, or myself say that phrase. In fact, I have started using the phrase as somewhat of a coping mechanism when I get too wound around something and lose my patience. I take a deep breath and tell myself that it's a process.

You may have heard sayings like "it's not the destination, it's the journey to get there", or "don't rush, stop and smell the roses along the way". I'll bet that most of the times you've heard sayings like these, you haven't taken the time to understand their full value. We live in an over-scheduled, crowded world with most of the simplicity stripped from it. We speed from one destination to the other while our minds are focused on some other deadline that we have to meet.

What about the world that is whizzing by?

I write this today equally as a reminder to myself as to anyone reading it. Try stopping along the way to add value to whatever is right in front of you. Beauty can be found in the smallest things, but the smallest things can't be found if you are running by them, preoccupied with some other thought or place. Slow down and experience what's there. It could be even better than what you are rushing off to do!

Emotional Layers - Peeling the Onion

Sometimes I can't figure my way out of something - a thought, a bad mood, a distracted mind. Just when I want to shake it and concentrate, I can't seem to push through whatever is bothering me. You see, I had always thought that shaking and pushing were the only ways out of a thought that I didn't want to have. After trying each approach what seemed like a hundred or so times, I decided that there had to be a better way.

I arrived at a pretty good solution a short while ago. It might work for you too. At least it's worth a try. Instead of trying to push through a state of mind, try dealing with it "face-to-face."

I think of it as peeling an onion, or shucking corn - whatever visual works best for you. You start by realizing that stepping away from a negative thought doesn't really work, especially if it's a recurring thought. You really need to try stepping into it, but you do it in layers. That way you can follow the trail of negative thinking step-by-step to the root cause and deal with the root after you have dealt with everything springing from it.

A great way identify each layer is to force yourself to think about what lead you to the negative thought that you are having now. Not the original basis of the thought, just the immediate event that caused the thought that you have now. Form that image in your mind. I'll give you an example: "I'm angry at my boss." That's the burning emotion that is keeping you up at night. Now, let's start dealing with it layer by layer. Make sure that each layer is the thing that happened last, and then move in from there. Come to grips with each layer as you go.

"I'm angry at my boss." What exactly made you angry? How can you work your way through the layers?

• My boss didn't review the project that I did when I needed her to, and now it's late!
• I had to explain to the department that needed it that it was going to be late, and they adjusted their schedule
• This isn't the first time that this has happened. I can't count on my boss to do what I ask her to do on time.
• My boss said that her travel schedule made it hard for her to get to my project, so she couldn't review it on time. She said that all of her travel makes it hard to get other things done
• My boss has these trips come up and I can never predict when she will be around.
• I know that my boss means well, and when she is in the office, she is able to review my work on time. It seems she doesn't have control over her schedule.
• I wish that my boss would use the online company calendar to show when she's in the office, or when she's traveling.
• My boss said that she keeps her own detailed calendar that has a rolling record of what she is doing for the next 2 months. But, she said that she doesn't know how to use the company calendar
• If I could show my boss how to use the online company calendar, then maybe I'd be able to work around her travel schedule when I ask her to review projects that I have done.

This shows an example of following a path to the source of your present anger or frustration. You see how you can travel the emotional trail from "I'm angry at my boss" to a solution of how you can work around her travel schedule to get what you need from her.

Another illustration here is how you can go from an assumption that the person you are dealing with is at fault, to a workable solution that you both can participate in.

Give this process a try and tell me how it goes. I'm not going to say that it's easy or that it can happen quickly, but if you can address each emotion and its cause, you can put a "check" next to it and move on. Good luck!

Believe in Yourself

"Believe in yourself" is a pretty common statement of encouragement. When you're feeling down or uncertain of a challenge in front of you, these words can often be heard from a friend or maybe a parent. When you think of the times that you have needed a boost, hearing this statement is a great way to get yourself to reach deep down inside and find the energy you need to go that extra step, or climb to heights that you didn't believe you could.

But, what is it that causes us to doubt ourselves at all? I mean, haven't you known yourself all your life? You've seen the heights that you know you can reach, yet doubt still seeps into your mind, no matter how talented or experienced you are. You think that this is something that you will grow out of or can overcome with practice, but no matter your expertise, the self-doubt still looms. I'm just about 58 and have learned a lot over my years, but I still find myself laced with uncertainty, beating myself up over one thing or another. Why? Especially when I know that it's something that I can get myself through because I've done it many times before!

I've found that it's often not so much me, but where I am and who is with me that determines how I'll respond to one challenge or another. Even if I know that I'm fully capable of getting something done, I will question my ability depending on who is there to support me or who I'm doing this thing for. I'll turn on myself and distrust my own abilities to accomplish what I have proven I can do time and time again.

It really is amazing how important other people are to our own self-worth, isn't it? They are like mirrors to ourselves that can shine light or cast darkness.  I suppose that I could say that there was something that happened in my childhood that lead me to this behavior as an adult, but I am an adult! I've moved past those uncertain times and have carried myself through my life making my own decisions and proving my own value, right?  I should be able to be bullet proof to the expectations of others, but no matter how I try, it doesn’t work. It shows that the ties between us all can’t be denied. We can pull and tug on these connections, and try to stretch them as far as possible, but we are all linked (to read an interesting article on these “cords”, go to the website HERE).

So, what can we do about this web of connections that we live in, and the emotional and physical impact that they can have on us? I see three options: 1) honor them, 2) repair them, or 3) sever them.

 When you honor the connection, you own everything about it. You agree with the form that the energy has and any benefit or detriment it has on each person, and you accept the direction the relationship takes. But if you feel that the tie you have to another person isn’t healthy, or is outdated, yet it is valuable to you, you can only repair it by being open and honest with the other person about how you feel. The healing of the bond that you have will only come from the work that you both do to make it right.

 If you find yourself in a place where the energetic bond that you have with another person is doing you harm and has poisoned your perception of yourself or the other person, no matter how you have tried to fix it, true healing can only come from cutting the connection and going your separate ways.

We all have a light that we are meant to bring to this world. But, it’s a world that we share with others we are emotionally and energetically bound to. Believing in yourself is really believing in your place in this web of connections and the value that you bring to all, not just yourself. You’ll know that you are being called to represent the ties you have to others through the encouragement and direction you receive from them. So, the next time that someone says to “believe in yourself” you can know that you aren’t just being told. You are being asked.

The Vital Importance of Good Work

Too often we find ourselves "trapped" in a job, or even in a career. What a horrible feeling to dislike what we are doing day after day, but many of us allow ourselves to continue in these environments for years. What is it in us that creates this feeling that we have no option but to suffer in our professional lives? It is a far cry from the graduation speeches that we all heard, where we were told that the world of work was there for the taking, and all we needed to do is to use what we have learn to capitalize on any opportunity we wish.

I think that life catches up to us. When I say "life", I mean the variety of responsibilities and commitments that can make us woody and inflexible. Our children, mortgages, parents, cars, vacations, and schedules can turn us into robots that move from one thing to the next, all of them involving a need for money. But you have to ask the question - is this what I planned for years ago? Am I fulfilling the wish of the good life? Also, take a close look at the list that I wrote above. Virtually everything that I said are things that we looked forward to at one point in time!

The other part of the good life is gains in physical and mental well-being. While being woody and inflexible is a pattern of behaviors, it is also a way of being. If we allow ourselves to let the years tick by as we stand tied up in our lives, our bodies and brains become physically inflexible. Our hearts push harder against clogged arteries, our tired and under-developed muscles work to move our bloated bodies around. Our minds become a jumble of disconnected thoughts driven by the numbing sameness of our daily lives.

Now there's a pretty picture of the "good life", right? My Goodness no!

I am finding now in my "in-between jobs" state that there is plenty of good work out there, and lots of good people doing it. They have joy in their lives. They look forward to Mondays when they can be presented with new challenges that stimulate their senses and create a purpose in their professional lives. But, good work also creates increased satisfaction in their personal lives as well. They bring home the confidence of a job well done. They are respected for what they do, so they respect their lives outside of work. They love their partners and children better. They don't worry about their financial commitments because they feel confident that their professional talents will take them far, and produce gains in income.

So many people that have suffered real pain in losing their jobs during the recession are rediscovering their love of work. They have changed direction and are doing something that they have always wanted to do. Many have started their own companies. They are forging new pathways that may limit them financially in the short-term, but have high potential for paying off as time goes on.

But, you don't have to lose your job to re-create your professional self. Today I encourage you to remember the hopes that you had long ago, then turn those hopes into action. No one needs to suffer doing bad work. Create a way for yourself. Talk to people you know. Use LinkedIn and other social media to connect with people who have the same passion and goals that you do. Don't be shy about being forthright in your interest to improve yourself. It increases the chances that you will find something that inspires you.

Commit to doing this a lot. You will be amazed at the new world that opens up to you!

Working is Living

"I was laid off from my job yesterday."

I encourage each of you that are reading this to absorb the impact of this sentence. What does it mean to no longer be working? Think about that.

"I am unemployed."

Imagine how this statement feels when it rolls off of your tongue. Imagine that it is you and that you have to own this statement. You automatically feel that you are less than the people that you are speaking to. You must now be "among the unemployed." How many are there of us? Is the count up or down? Who will help us to re-gain employment?

In reality it is only us - the unemployed - that will reclaim our lives. Our livelihood. But, the fact is that most of us are fighting to keep our work. Can you imagine? Struggling to keep the means to feed our families and secure our futures.

I have been in the workforce for almost 35 years. I graduated from college in the late 70's and believed that there was a world of work in front of me, but I found that my work, my career, was controlled by people richer than me, and more "powerful" than me that considered me nothing more than a revenue source. Someone to pay for their salaries. It is a sad fact of working today - you are either a money-making machine, or you are tossed aside.

But, it is a fact that I was making money for my company, but not enough in their eyes. I was making money for myself and my family, but maybe too much in their opinion. I was the one to go so that my salary could be pushed into profits. For my managers it was a transaction. Moving cost into revenue. Not much more.

Isn't it amazing that corporate leaders can disregard the meaning of work from those that work for them? Aren't you astounded that executives can view you, who are a mother, a sister, wife, daughter, and professional as a line on a spreadsheet?

But, what I think that we all come to is that you and I are not that. We are our own flesh and blood. We have our own lives and our own value. We are not to be judged by those that take away our work.

Today I am speaking to you as much as I am speaking to myself. Deep within me I am strong. I know I offer tremendous value to the world and the people around me. I am not a line on a spreadsheet. I will remain here long after my name is archived in some corporate database. So will you.

I am living. I am working. No matter how hard you try to erase me, I am here.

Do Not Disturb

How did it make you feel when you read the title of this entry? It's the equivalent of someone telling you to leave them alone or asking you to go away, isn't it? But, this is a fairly common thing to see in hotels, hanging on the doors of some rooms. I've put these on my hotel door before, because I needed some extra rest or if I was working on something in my room. As off-putting as it sounds, I know from my own experience that I never meant anything bad by it. Still, the words can look like a wall.

I'm thinking that it's a desire for most of us to not be shaken out of what we are doing. But really, being disturbed can be one of the most wonderful things that can happen. Magical things can come from a chance meeting or phone call, things that can benefit us or benefit others.

I've been looking for someone or some thing to tap me on the shoulder and interrupt me for the last month. I have been focusing entirely on work and on "starting the year right" ever since the holidays and haven't written anything during that time. Now, that's not to say that I haven't thought about it. I've thought about it almost every day, but I haven't been able to break free of the immersion that I have been in for the whole month of January. But, last night as I was driving home I remembered a wonderful book that I read years ago. The thought seemed to come out of the blue, like a tap on the shoulder.

The book is Life's Interruptions - God's Opportunities by Larry Jones, the founder of Feed the Children. I will say that I am so sad to learn that Larry, his daughter and his son have all run into recent corruption issues within Save the Children, but in his beginnings as a missionary his heart was in the right place. In Life's Interruptions he tells of the time that he gave 20 cents to a little boy to buy a meal in Port Au Prince, Haiti and he realized that with so little money for a meal, he could personally make a difference. Through the help of  others that he connected with in the States, he laid the groundwork for a movement to feed hungry children all over the world.

You have to wonder, what can you accomplish by just being open to interruptions in your life, and not shutting them out because you are too wrapped up in the day-to-day, like I have been all these weeks? What miracles can happen in your life by stopping to talk with someone, or listening to a story on the radio? The more that we stop and pay attention (see Paying Attention post in October 2011), the deeper our lives become. Larry Jones didn't plan to have that little boy in Haiti beg him for money. The boy just appeared in front of him. How unfortunate it would be if a life-changing opportunity was right in front of us, but we were too busy to see it!

Let's take the sign off the door and see what happens! 

Flat as a Pancake

Today's one of those days that I just can't get it together. You know me. I try to keep my sights up and on the horizon, but sometimes life just catches up to me. I've had a winter cold for most of the winter, and I guess that I'm just kind-of wrung out.

There are times that I just wish that I could take a vacation from myself. You know, go off and do something and just leave my life behind for a while. I could teleport myself to a distant land and drift freely through Eden-like gardens and shimmering seas and not have a care in the world, because all of my cares have been left behind in this war-torn brain and body.

But then I know that tomorrow's another day for me, and for all of us. Who knows what interesting things wait there? To start, it's Friday - the beginning of an uncluttered weekend when we can putter around and clean our house from the remnants of Christmas. I get to hang out with my son Peter tonight (my Christmas Angel) and have what should be a relaxing dinner. I have an appointment with my chiropractor this afternoon. I should feel clearer after that. He does miracles.

I know that I'll get beyond this down place. When I was taking yoga classes, a trick that my instructor taught me is to focus on my breathing and look for where the pain or sadness is in my body. Once I've found it, I can actually "breathe it out of me". Now if I'm in a bad place, I'll focus on what bothers me the most, close my eyes and take 3 or 4 deep breaths while "looking" at the thing that is bothering me.

Pretty soon I've melted it away.

Huh, I feel a little better. Not so heavy. Not so stuck. I guess the little joys in my life are actually the big things that matter the most.

Healing Past Hurt - Our Evolving Language

It is wonderful to find something that simply must be forwarded in its entirety because it is so important to consider in our daily lives. What follows is today's DailyOM online message. DailyOM can be found at www.dailyom.com.

I send this message in honor of my brother David, who has suffered with the stigma of  schizophrenia for decades. Another reason to think twice when tempted to say that someone is "schizophrenic" when they are all over the place and can't make a decision.

-  -  -  -  -  -  - 

We can create positive change by choosing not to use these words and phrases as we come across them in our vocabulary. 

There are many troubling phrases in our language that we use without considering their full meaning simply because they have been accepted into common knowledge. Even as our ideals progress, our language maintains some phrases from our past that no longer serve us, for example: Boys don't cry; good child; boys will be boys; problem child; illegitimate child; and many more. While these phrases may be used without harmful intent, they are inherently negative. Children can be especially sensitive to such phrases, which may stay with them their whole lives, adversely affecting their self-image and wounding their self-esteem. We can create positive change by choosing not to use these words and phrases as we come across them in our vocabulary.

It is challenging to examine our habits in terms of the words we use to express ourselves, but it is also exciting. Language is an area where we can exercise our free will, creating positive change in the world around us by simply choosing carefully the words we use. It may seem like a small thing, but our words have a rippling effect, like a stone thrown in a pond. People naturally pick up on the way other people speak, consciously or unconsciously changing the way they speak in response. We don't need to actively try to influence people; it happens without our even thinking about it. All we have to do is choose to be more conscious ourselves, putting to rest words and phrases that are outmoded, insensitive, or harmful. We can also exercise our creativity by creating new phrases that carry positive and loving energy to replace the old ones.

You may already have some ideas about phrases you'd like to transition out of your language, and now that you’re thinking about it you may come across many more. As you consciously decide not to use these phrases, you may feel lighter and more joyful, knowing that you have chosen to drop baggage that was handed down to you from a less conscious time. As you do so, you elevate the language for future generations who would no doubt thank you if they could.

© 2004-2011 DailyOM - All Rights Reserved

A Daily Dose of Inspiration

I don’t know about you, but sometimes just getting up and stating my day can be a challenge. I’ll hit the snooze button at least 2-3 times and put the pillow over my head thinking that it just can’t be the morning of another workday!

This is especially true now, in December when the sun doesn’t come up over the horizon until 7am at the earliest. Your body is saying to you, “I am getting up in the middle of the night to go to work. Why?” It turns into a mind over matter exercise, which is often not much of a battle because my mind is still dreaming!

Once I get through breakfast and start my 30-mile drive to work, I’m usually in pretty good shape. My brain goes from dreaming into the process of sorting through what needs to be done that day and prioritizing all of the many categories of tasks I have in front of me. Now, during Christmas week, the categories can stretch from mailing Christmas cards to writing a contract for a new client.

Through it all, I know that I can’t do all of this alone, that’s why I am so grateful in my prayers at night that I have God at the helm keeping everything in order. Still, I have to surround myself with an environment that promotes action during my day. In my office, I have filled half of one wall with motivational quotes from people as wide-ranging as Buddy the Elf to Leonardo da Vinci. I call it my “Wall of Inspiration” and I’ve invited people to come by any time they are feeling a little low in the motivation department.

One of my favorites is an Irish proverb that says, “You’ll never plough a field turning it over in your mind.” Any time I get stuck on something, I’ll look at that quote and convince myself to get the thought out of my head and act on it. Another good one is, “Obstacles cannot bend me. Every obstacle yields to effort.” That’s the one by Leonardo da Vinci. He accomplished a few things in his 67 years on this earth!

If you’re looking for more of these quotes, go to www.givemore.com. There are plenty of them surrounded by other good and practical tips.

No matter what technique you choose to use, I know that it has helped me to surround myself with positive words and images. You create an environment of energy that can support you just by being there. Just by you looking across the room and becoming renewed and inspired. Give it a try and see what happens!   

My Christmas Angel

Today's my youngest son's 18th birthday. It's amazing for me to think that it was 18 years ago that he came home for the first time and took his place as the youngest of three boys.

That was a tough time for me, right from the start. I came down with an intestinal bug when he was in the hospital and couldn't come and visit him until it was just about time to bring him home. I was also in what was the beginning of problems within my marriage that I was hardly even aware of. It was just a general sadness, which over time grew into an issue that couldn't be fixed.

Peter was my pal as soon as I saw him. He was actually due on Christmas day, but he decided that he couldn't wait that long. Still, I called him my Christmas Angel. He was a gift from above for me, and he's been that way ever since.

When Christmas arrives in a couple of weeks, look around the room that morning. Sure, you'll see your gifts under the tree and hanging from the mantle in stockings, but your real gifts are in the smiles of your family and in the loving messages from your friends.

Happy Birthday, Peter. I couldn't have done it without you. -Dad.

The Primal Gift of Music

As Christmas gets closer and closer, you hear lots of joyous music filling the air. Your hear in it malls, on the radio, in church. It makes you feel relaxed and happy, doesn't it? It brings back memories of Christmases when we were young and times were simpler. It even conjures memories of the delicious food that we have eaten at Christmas celebrations. The entrainment effect that music has on all of us is amazing, and we hardly think of it. We just experience it.

That's why I think of music as a primal gift. It has literally been in our bodies and brains since the beginning of time. We beat logs in rhythms to communicate, we chanted and sang stories as part of our oral history before the written word. These stories have been passed down unaltered sometimes for centuries.

You may be thinking how can music be in our bodies and brains? We remember songs that we have stored in our memories sometimes for a long time, that's for sure. But, I am referring to what music is made of - vibration - that has a physical and emotional effect on our thoughts and general well being. For us musicians, it sounds a little crude to think of our precious passtimes as "making vibration", but that's the way our ears receive it. Because music is vibration and vibration is converted to electricity, it literally reaches every cell in our bodies.

Knowing that the music we listen to affects our entire bodies, what an amazing healing tool we have right at our fingertips!

It's well known that classical music opens up our minds. There's has been discussion saying that babies that listen to classical music from when they are born are smarter. That's not exactly true. What is true is that classical music "primes" babies brains for complex tasks, like putting together puzzles and other spatial activities. If one of those activities is learning to play an instrument, that can improve their spatial tasks by up to 30%. 

Conversely, loud rock music has the opposite effect. I'm not saying that children shouldn't listen to rock music. Hey, I grew up in the 60s! It's just that rock music doesn't prime the brain for learning the way that classical music does. An interesting study took two of the same kind of plants and put them two separate aquariums. One had a speaker with classical music, the other had a speaker with rock music. The classically-fed plant grew toward the speaker while the rock-fed plant grew away for the speaker!

At its most fundamental level, we are made of music (vibration). Everything in our world vibrates, even things that we would never expect, like rocks and the earth itself. Eastern teachings say that the earth emits a determined tone - the tone of Ohm. This is why mediation and sound healing often use the sound of Ohm as a core part of the practices. These teachings go on to say that man, as part of the earth, is also tuned to the tone of Ohm, and that Ohm is the basis of everything, eventually evolving from its Sanskrit origins to the Jewish and Christian "so be it" - Amen.

So, this Christmas when you are listening to and singing "Silent Night" and "The First Noel", think about how these beautiful carols make you feel. Feel the peace that is within you and appreciate the gift of music that has been given to us all.

Credits:

• What is Healing Music? Amrita Cottrell
• http://www.om-healing.org/
• http://www.educationoasis.com/
• http://www.splashesfromtheriver.com/

  

Uncomfortable

I'm a pretty big fan of Christian rock. No surprise, right? Anyway, tonight I was listening to Brandon Heath, a top artist on the charts talk about a time when he visited India and had some stomach issues. When he was getting better, but still not feeling great, he said that he wrote some of the best music that he's written.

That really got me to thinking. When have I been the most creative? It's usually when I'm tired, or upset about something. There are times when my thoughts start flowing when I am on top of my game, but I want to say that is in the minority.

It's a pretty odd thing, don't you think? Why would we tend to be more creative when we aren't feeling quite right? Maybe it's because we are more inwardly focused when there's something wrong. We are not as aware of what is going on outside of us and are happier focusing inward in hopes of relieving the pain. And as we help ourselves get through it, we tap into an energy that we didn't think we had.

Now, I'm not hoping that I am uncomfortable any more than necessary. But, when I am, I'll think of it as an opportunity. Kind of crazy the way it works.

We've Got It Covered?

A lot of people think that openly religious Christians are strange, weird or fanatics. I have to say that it is the strangest thing and I think about it a lot. Why would that be?

A recent ABC News poll found that 83% of Americans identify themselves as Christians. But, how many of those people openly proclaim themselves as followers of Christ? If asked the direct question, "do you believe in God?", 83% of Americans say yes. Yet, if asked the question in a different way, like "do you love Christ?", you're going to get a different answer, or no answer at all.

Why does that happen? Why do so many of us not feel comfortable to proclaim our love for our God? What is the difference between saying that you are Christian and proclaiming you are Christian? I think that it is a vast difference. It's a chasm that is filled with our humanness.

When your answer to "do you love Christ?" is followed by a squirm and then, "well, I guess so", what does that mean? It means that we are allowing our pride, our protective image and our cowardice to lay in front of us like a rock that we are hiding behind, or in this case, stepping around.

Think of the apostle Paul. He was a Roman citizen and studied with a member of the Sanhedrin. Yes, the same Sanhedrin that turned Jesus over to Pilate ultimately to be crucified. Yet he directly heard Jesus' call and received His commission to "teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost" (Matthew 28:20).

What did Paul ultimately get from his commitment to God? A death because of his beliefs and acts. Is that what we are afraid of? Is it an ancient fear that we will be persecuted and will suffer these same judgements?

Well, I will tell you what I think. I think that we all need to own up to who we profess to be, in mind, body and spirit. No one will crucify us or have us beheaded like in those early days. We need to be brave in the face of our own fears and proclaim our dedication to our God.

We are at yet another moment in history where the power of God is being questioned and minimized. All because so many of us believe that we don't need faith and religion in our lives because "we've got it covered". That couldn't be less true. Every day as the economy wanes and more people succumb to the numbing effects of joblessness is evidence that we need God more than ever.

Don't think for a moment that we can do all of this alone. We are God's children. We need to hear and read the words of our Father. Those words with be our guiding light through today's darkness. This too shall pass, but only by His way. 

My Dad

I'm sad tonight. The last 3 days have been awfully rough on my father and I think that it's finally catching up to me.

It started with a phone call from my mother a few nights ago while my wife and I were falling asleep. She told me that Dad hadn't been making sense all day and said that he'd been pointing to the ceiling at something that "flew". Words maybe, or random thoughts. It was enough for her to call an ambulance and ask another favor of her EMT neighbor to come over and see what's up.

I called my Mom back and things weren't good with my father. He couldn't focus and wasn't able to answer the most basic questions. On the phone I heard, "Bill, look at me. Look at me." Then the seizure started. The phone went silent as my mother and her neighbor lowered him to the floor where he stayed until the shaking stopped.

My Dad has been suffering with dementia for four years now, and it has finally gotten to the point that the destruction of his brain is beginning to knock on vital areas, causing him to blur and twitch.

I went to the hospital after work to be with him. He wasn't the man I knew. He was helpless. The man that I have worshiped all my life was having trouble understanding where he was and what had happened. "You've had a seizure, Dad." "What's a seizure?" he'd say each time I told him.

I held his hand as he slipped in and out of sleep. The lorazapam that the doctor gave him to calm him down was still hanging on in his system and he was having trouble shaking it, so he was asleep more than he was awake. I prayed as I looked at him, and the more I looked at him, the more the memories flooded my mind.

I remembered when he used to take me to his office in Boston for the day. I'd get dressed up in my nice shirt and khakis. Dad would be in his business suit. We'd walk down the  street and he would say hi to all of his friends. I'd be trotting beside him trying to keep up. I'd get so frustrated because I felt that I could never be as big as he was. I could never be as strong.

But now I held his old hand, bruised from the IV, and cradled it like I was holding a little tiny child. How could time have done this? What would I do without him?

The hospital released Dad the next day - yesterday - because he didn't have anything physically wrong with him. CT scans and heart monitors showed nothing unexpected, so he was discharged. He insisted on sleeping in his own bed last night on the second floor. My Mom and my brother barricaded the top of the stairs with a table to keep him there, but in the morning he stepped over the table and fell down the stairs. He's back in the hospital now for at least three days with cuts, bruises and a hematoma on his brain from when he hit the wall.

One time when I was in my early teens I went for a walk with him. His business had fallen apart and the debt was piling up. He put his arm around me and told me that he was having a hard time, and asked that I try to understand if he seemed a little lost. I did everything I could to be with him and help him. I knew that it was now my time to help him, after all the years that he had guided me.

Tonight I pray, "My Lord my Father, please hold my hand and tell me what I can do to help my Dad. How can I be there for him as he has always been there for me? Holy God, hold his head in your hands and fill him with peace. Let him know that he is deeply loved and cherished. In the name of Jesus Christ my Lord I pray. Amen."

Fragile

I’ve tried to live a good life. An honest life. I’ve always tried to be a good example for everyone around me, which is very, very hard. But, it used to be a lot harder because I was trying to be a good example for all the wrong reasons. I was following a path that was bound to lead me right off a cliff. I just didn’t know when.

When you work as hard as I did, first you find yourself yielding for others, just to keep things smooth – not to rock the boat. It doesn’t feel like it’s a burden because what you are doing doesn’t seem like it’s a big sacrifice. It’s just bending and dodging to keep everyone happy. It almost feels natural, if you have a high tolerance for demands being placed on you. But, after a while you realize that the gears are starting to grind and it’s not that easy to keep it up. It weighs on you and starts to change everything that you knew to be real.

You read earlier that I grew up in a goofy household. It’s true. But we were also experts at smoothing things over and pretending things were OK. We didn’t allow the ghosts to come out of the closet and wreck the image that we were trying so hard to maintain. See, I’m the oldest of five kids. Actually, I should say that I’m the oldest son, William Channing Swan, Jr. I was the mainstay of my generation, and became my dad’s right hand man when it came to the complex cover-up.

There’s no sense in pointing fingers, but worth it to say that the list of maladies is long, involving every member of my family to one degree or another. All of the impairments were emotional, which required particular skill to hide. But, we were exceptionally good. Being that good a cover-up artist became a badge of honor I wore proudly well into my adulthood. I was strong and I didn’t falter. I always held it together, or so I thought.

The spring before I turned 30, I got married to someone who was also an expert. Her skill was concealing alcoholism in her family and an emotionally distant father and mother. Still, she grew up chipper and upbeat. She’s still that way today. Her talent at being a cover-up artist far exceeded mine because she not only did the job well; she smiled and laughed her way through all of it! It was astounding.

Our marriage lasted for 17 years before the door that shut out all the pain and dysfunction started to come off its hinges. I made the first move to separate and the anger that she held inside of her burst all over everyone she came in contact with, including my three sons. I became the hated one, something that I had fought not to have happen all my life. Not only was I hated by her, I was held in distain by her friends, some of my friends, some of my own family, and my children.

I’ll never forget her telling them that “Daddy left us”. It has taken me years to rebuild my relationship with my sons. Even though I have been with them every week, every month and every year, there is still a hole in my relationships with them. Sometimes I don’t know what to do, other than keep on being there and keep on trying.

But, you know me now. I am happier than I ever thought possible. My wife and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary last week and I am a different person. She breathed new life into me. I know that God put her in front me and healed me through her. I could never have known that through such deep sadness could bloom such a deep love.

I wish that I could tell you that life is fragile, so watch out and be careful. I thought that I was careful. I thought that I had ever angle covered. What I realized is that life is really about being honest, not careful. Honesty is the mortar for the foundation that we stand on. Sometimes honesty causes conflict, but it’s better than the magnitude of the damage that is done when a life of hiding things blows up. It takes much longer to rebuild, with a lot more pain and a lot more heartache.

So don’t wait. If someone or something is bothering you, let them know. If you are filled with a boundless love, let them know. God willing, you will always step on solid ground and your spirit will soar!

Claiming Victory!

Brain surgery is a complicated thing. You know the saying, "well, it isn't brain surgery!" In my case it was! It was brain surgery to remove a brain tumor, a craniopharyngioma - a benign brain tumor that my surgeon believed could have been in my head since I was born, growing slowly over the years. Finally, the headaches and spots in my vision got intolerable in 2005 and after three or four different doctors, I was diagnosed by an vision specialist.

When my wife and I met with my surgeon before the surgery, he discussed some of the potential risks of the surgery. Regrowth of the tumor because they couldn't get it all, ongoing headaches, carotid artery hemorrhage, blindness and other "morbidity". Morbidity. That didn't sound like something I could have when I was alive. I just means health issues that I will always have as a result of the tumor and/or the surgery.

I did a lot of praying before the surgery. I don't mean just saying a prayer. I mean sitting in prayer. The more time I spent in prayer, the more I knew that I would survive the surgery, and I knew it would be more than surviving. It would be victory! I would regain a life of joy and health. I didn't know how long it would take, but I knew I would be victorious.

Sitting in prayer allowed me to hear God's Word (read “Paying Attention”). I didn't just imagine that I would be fine through the surgery. I saw it. The Lord told me that it would happen. I was so steeped in the realization of victory that I was smiling going into surgical prep. I was peaceful. 

After six hours of surgery, I woke up in recovery. My wife (then fiancé - that's a story for later!) was there, with my parents and my brother and sister. I wasn't sick, I couldn't see well, but I could see! I couldn't move well, but I could move! My mind was telling me it was a miracle. It wasn't a miracle. It was God's work. God's will. Me - God's Will. 

But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.1 Corinthians 15:57

In the Doctor's Office

I spend too much time in doctors' offices. In fact, no matter how often I go to doctors' offices, I feel that I go too frequently. It's not like there's anything bad happening, or that I am going to have some uncomfortable procedure. It's just a sum of memories that I have, that we all have that makes me nervous.

I try to make the experience the best I can make it. I bring my own magazine or book. I go online on my phone. I close my eyes and think about what we're going to do over the weekend. Bringing your own things and your own thoughts helps to make the experience a normal part of life. Now, let's see what good articles are in my magazine!

Lucky Me

The title of this post is something I say to myself all the time. Why am I so lucky? Because I get to wake up and get out of bed every morning in my house and get into my car and go to work. At the end of the day, I get to come home and be with my wife and our beagle, Tucker. On the weekends I rake leaves and do laundry. Sometimes I go food shopping.

On Fridays, I drive 40 miles from work to pick up my son and bring him to our house which is an hour away from there. I clean up the dishes on Saturday mornings and take my son to band practice in Boston. I go in to pick him up after he's done at 7pm and take him home. 

Sometimes I lose sleep, but mostly I get sleep. I take a lot of medications for my pituitary issues which I have to swallow, inject, refill, refrigerate, store, update and remember! I have extra weight that I'm trying to lose. We have a house that needs some new repair every couple of months. We have a lot of debt from when I was sick and unemployed. I work on commission, so it's hard to budget.

Oh, the misery!

No. Oh, the grace! I am blessed in every step, in every mile I drive, in every leaf I rake, in every dish I clean. Why? Because I can do all of those things. I CAN do them! I don't have to rely on someone to help me because I can't do things. Think about it that way. What a blessing that my hands work, that I have eyes to see, ears to hear. How lucky I am to have two legs that can take me wherever I want to go. How lucky I am to have a mind that allows me to be thankful.

I can move, see, hear, speak. What else do I need? How about you? Can you thank God for your wholeness? Thank God I'm here!

I am the 100%

I have to say that I have been torn over the last several weeks. You know how strongly I feel about the power that we all hold inside us, but the last month or so has been filled with imagery of the powerless. The mass statement by the victims of the most recent recession speaking out as the 99%.

I'm stunned every time I hear those chants, "we are the 99%, We are the 99%!" Ninety-nine percent! That's just one percent short of everybody, but the 99% feel victimized. How can that be?

It can be because is always has been. ALWAYS has been. For centuries, inequality has reigned in our country, and before that, in England, and Rome, and Greece. There has always been the dominant one percent, and the less fortunate ninety-nine percent. In fact, now, as the recession draws to a close we hear about how the one percent has become even more dominant, on taxpayers' money. The money from the 99%.

It's almost hard to imagine. How could so few people dominate a culture? What about them perpetuates that power? Well, all of us do. We vote them into office. We ask them to manage our money. We buy their products. We push the one percent higher and higher into the stratosphere of our world so that they can make more and more and more.

I'll tell you why I have been so torn. I am one of the 1%, Or, maybe one of the 5%, but still, I am surrounded by the one percenters and I see it, but I don't believe it. I see the ease with which the money flows. Effort that is no more than someone that works in a grocery store produces hundreds of thousands of dollars! How vastly unfair it is! But, how amazing it is that it has gone on for so long in this country, and around the world.

I am the 100%. I'm not saying that because it makes me feel special. It makes me feel out of place and strange. I have achieved success in my life, but I want to walk out of my office and march. I want to promote that values of the 99%, and I want the 99% to have more of what I have been blessed to have.

For this one, I don't have an answer. If anything, I need answers to the injustice in this country. Sure, I could go on about the rampant greed in people that I see most days of my life. I could be disgusted by the financial hoarding that drove our economy into near ruin. All that I know to do is be a good person. To show everyone around me that it is us as a 100% that will heal this world. "We are the 100%, we are the 100%!"

Being Goofy

I grew up in a goofy family. We all did silly things like laughing so hard that we'd cough, dancing in the middle of the kitchen, telling jokes at the Thanksgiving table, standard things like that. There are seven of us, my parents and five kids, so things could get out of control pretty quickly. All that my dad could do was sit back and giggle.

We'd tell my father that it was all his fault because he fathered us all. But, really is was my mom's family that was the carrier of the goofy gene. and we all got it in spades! It started with my grandfather, Pops. We used to all meet at my grandparents house on Christmas Day and my grandfather used to do the funniest things and loved to laugh at himself. He'd laugh so hard that no sound came out of his mouth and all it was was a convulsed, silent smile.

My mom, a goofy gene carrier, has always loved pets. When we were growing up there was a vast assortment of "pets" at our house. At one time we had two dogs, a cat, a dozen chickens, two horses, raccoons and a goat. My dad, not a goofy gene carrier, would just shrug his shoulders and smile. But, I think that coming home and finding the goat standing on the kitchen table pushed him over the edge!

You have to ask yourself now that we are all grown up, "am I still goofy enough?" In other words, have I lost the wonderment of letting myself let loose and having fun? Allowing ourselves to play and laugh opens up some of the curiosity that we had when we were children. Looking at something and laughing out loud. Having a tickle fight with your husband, wife or partner in public. Dancing around wherever you want to.

I'll bet that if you let your guard down from time to time, it would open up a whole new world to explore, just like when you were young. Wouldn't that be great? Imagine what you could see! So, let the world see you staring at a flower and thinking how beautiful it is. Goofy is good!